A strange feeling

I don't have much today. No story, no insight, and no words of wisdom...and that's kind of what I'm posting about. I've had a strange feeling of emptiness this week. We've been fighting this for 11 months straight, without any real break. It has defined (and redefined) our life for all of 2008. Almost every emotion and every thought has been about cancer. Most every conversation with family, friends and acquaintances starts with "How is Linda doing?". The highest point and lowest point of 2008 has been about cancer....and now we are done.

I've been looking forward to this week since last December, yet I feel a void. It is truly an odd feeling. I can't quite explain it. For the past year, I've had somewhere to direct all my energy. Focus on the cancer, focus on Linda, entertain the kids so they don't have to deal with it, write a blog entry. Now, although we will never be the same as we were on Dec 12, we have to go back to living. What the hell was that like? I can hardly remember. This cancer has made me a better person, made my family stronger, and made me love Linda more than you can understand. Without the cancer in our lives, will I fall back on old habits? Being an unappreciative asshole. I don't know if I even like 'pre-cancer John'. I'm actually kind of scared.

p.s. - Cancer, if are reading this, this is in no way an invitation back into our lives. Fuck you and thank you (if that makes sense).